To all my Christian brothers, this letter I’m writing to you
all is a letter meant to teach you how to pursue a girl verse chase a girl. To
lay the premises we first have to look at what the key definitions of both are.
To pursue means to strive to gain; seek to attain or accomplish an end. When
applied to dating this means that you have the intent or the end goal of having
a relationship with a girl. The definition of chases is as follows : to seek the company of somebody for
romantic or sexual purposes, especially in an obvious or unsubtle way. In today’s
Christian world too many of us chase the girl rather than pursue a girl. What
really is the difference between the two? That lies in the actions taken to “win”
a girl over.
In a recent encounter with a female at my church, I told her that I was
interested in getting to know her, and that I don’t do “just friends” because in
the long run, someone always gets hurt when that’s the meaning and the start to
any relationship (just ask Hollywood). Her response was that she was not ready
to be pursued, because she was coming out of a series of relationships, and due
to those she just really wanted to get to know guys as friends. Men, this is a
cop out, if I have learned any one thing from spending time with women, it’s
that this means she is scared of being hurt again, so instead of putting
herself out there, she is going to try and hide behind the safety of the none committal
label of friends. This instance serves as the perfect example of how you chase
a girl, and how you pursue a girl. In this case, I have two options, one I pressure
her into a conversation where I do irreparable damage to any future hope of
talking to her (chase), and I can let well enough alone for now, and know that
sometime down the road there might be another opportunity to pursue a
relationship with her again.
Let’s start with how it
would look if I chased after her. I see this girl on any given normal week
twice. Once Sunday morning, and once during some sort of career group outing. If
I were to chase this girl I would be obsessive in trying to be near her at all
times, I would cling to her hip as if it was a rope attached to a tree at the
top of a high cliff with no bottom to it. I would talk to her whenever the opportunity
presented itself, and I would hardly allow her a moments rest from my constant
talking and nagging. This is a bit dramatic, so let’s tone it down a bit and
consider what it would look like if I were to chase her, but not at that
extreme of a degree. While I would still talk to her as much as possible, I would
focus more on being near her in groups of two or more. I would spend time with
her friends, asking questions about her, and trying to get her friends to tell
me what I could do to make her like me. THIS NEVER WORKS. Want a little secret?
Girls talk. A lot. They talk about anything and everything amongst themselves.
Know that conversation that I had with the previously mentioned girl? It wasn’t
ten minutes after I left that her and her friends where talking about it.
Shocker right? Well the truth is that girls are much more open about how they
are feeling, and much more open about what is happening in their lives. While
this is foreign to us guys, it’s second nature to a girl, which is why so many
relationships end because of bad communication. The point being, that while
this may seem like a good idea at the time, in the long run this will get back
to the girl.
So then how would chasing look at an even lesser degree of intensity? First
you would use what time you had wisely. You would spend time in groups, only
presenting question when you are in groups of more than two of more people.
This would allow her to feel like she is not delving in to deep issues with
you, and that you are just being friendly in an open setting where she feels no
pressure. You would still push conversation, and you would talk to her as much
as you could, and you would not talk to her friends, and just make sure that
you always had your eye on her. This way she would know that you were still interested.
Again, this method will not work on a Godly Christian girl. While this seems
like an easy way to “pursue” her, this is still chasing. You are actively chasing her; you are talking
to her with the purpose of trying to have a relationship with her.
So how do you continue in the friendship without her feeling as if you are
still chasing after her? The best answer is this. Leave her alone. I know that
simple right. Of course it’s not and here’s why. We as guys want a girl to like
us back, and we feel that we have to do everything in our power to and we often
go to extreme lengths to get her attention, we act unlike ourselves, and we
push her further and further away by doing so. So how do you let her know you
are still interested? The answer lies all in how you leave her alone. Girls
like to watch guys, she knows that you are interested in her still. Trust me
they can tell. So make her think otherwise. Talk openly to other girls while
she is around; go to lunch with other girls, because as I said earlier they all
talk. This will get back around to her, and she has one of two options at this
point, and which one she chooses while let you know if you ever had a chance,
or if she was ever in anyway attracted to you. Her first option, which to be honest with
you is normally the one they choose, is to be friendlier to you again, this
lets you know that she no longer feels pressure from you, and that she can feel
normal hanging around you. So does this mean she is digging you now? No this
means the exact opposite. This means she is now ok with you and that she truly never
thought of you the way you did her. This is a good thing even though it may
suck, because this allows you to move on and find the girl that God really has
for you. The other response is for her to be even more distant then before,
why? Because most likely she has feeling for you, and is too scared to show
those for fear of being hurt again, or of being hurt in the first place. So how
do you react to this? Simple continue down the road you’re on. Hang out with
other girls, but as a major side note… DO THIS WITH THE UTMOST REPSECT FOR THE
OTHER GIRLS. You are not using them to getting the other girls attention. You
are doing it, because you truly want to understand girls, and get to know the other
Godly girls with in your group. Not only will this boost your own confidence
around girls, who knows when you may find the girl of your dreams? There is
also the terrible risk of being labeled by the girls in the group as nothing
but a player, thus ruining your chances with ANY girl in your group, so BE
RESPECTFUL and careful of the other girls feelings within the group. Continuing
on the front running conversation, it’s important to also remember if you are
still interested in the girl that you were at the start of all this, that you
must watch for the signs that she is finally open to talking again. These will
be as follows:
1.
She
will initiate conversation on her own terms
2.
She
will become angry at you for spending so much time with other girls, the best
response to this is to ask her why it’s wrong? She was the one in the first
place who said you were only friends.
3.
She will start asking about you with your
friends.
4.
She will TELL you she is ready.
5.
And lastly, and most confusingly she will begin
to pursue you. This one is not always healthy, and you must immediately
confront this issue, and take over as the one pursuing in the relationship.
So to finish up, if you are having to go out of your way to
make this girl feel wanted, or are pushing her away, the best response is to
leave her alone. She will let you know by her actions what she is feeling. Also
remember that while this is a hard lesson to learn, it will prove invaluable
when it comes to pursuing a Godly relationship with a girl, because the habits
you form in a friendship are the ones that you take with you into your
relationship, and those into your marriage.
